Afartments on the Terd Floor

I'm renting apartments in Manhattan, here are some craigslist ads that I have recently posted. If you wanna see pics, just go to craigslist and search my name. Oh yeah, no one has called, so that's cool.

1. Mystical 3 Bedroom in the heart of the enchanted Gramercy Forest (Gramercy)

Don't be afraid wandering through the enchanted Gramercy forest.

Why, because you live in this great 3 bedroom apartment with a living room, hardwood floors, window in the kitchen with nice appliances, AND A DISHWASHER! This apartment was previously occupied by 27 wizards. Unfortunately they all died in a horrible wizard vs. dragon battle. Dragons do not frequent this apartment, but you and your friends should. This place is Wizard.

(YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE A WIZARD TO RENT THIS AMAZING APARTMENT)

2. This apartment will inspire your heart and your art! (Gramercy)

This apartment was painted by Renoir before he died, his final brushtrokes were employed to make this 1 bedroom in the heart of Gramercy an absolute testament to impressionism. Recently Salvador Dali, Jackson Pollack, and P Diddy got together to make this apartment so much better. Each employed their characteristic artistry to the apartment's kitchen with an island that separates it from the large living room with plenty of light. The bedroom has enough closet space and light to inspire Picasso.*

This apartment will be on display at the Louvre and the MET in the Fall.**

*This apartment did not actually inspire those artists, they have never even set foot in the apartment, **and it will not be on dispaly at the Louvre or the MET, that would be ridiculous. This apartment is beautiful and a great deal, so feel free to call.

3. I Say Sir, welcome to my castle. Good show old boy! (Union Square)

This apartment is like an English Castle, I've never been to England myself, but I can imagine this is what it's like. There is a black front gate on the street to protect you from invading armies. The lobby of the building looks like an old English parlour. You could sit with your friends in the leather chairs in the lobby and reminisce about your exploits in the colonies.

The apartment itself has a huge living room when you first walk in the door. The bedroom gets plenty of light and has ample closet space. The kitchen is cozy and the bathroom has new fixtures. This apartment has plenty of living space and is in a great location between Union Square and Astor Place.

I would have to think that it looks like an English castle, if you want to take me to England with you to prove me wrong, I would welcome the opportunity. Feel free to give me a call and we can go over the arrangements.

Infest

We have mice, this isn't the first time. Sometimes if you are really paying attention you can see them running from one dirty dark spot in the apartment, to another dirty dark spot. The other night I tried to stalk one, he never came out.

We have one little guy in the burner of our stove right now, he's cooked, it's nasty.

I don't mind mice as long as they run fast, and stay hidden. I hate it when I find them alive, but dazed, which has happened a couple times. Motherfuckers should scurry away, that's what they're supposed to do. Maybe it's Gods way of saying "John, you should abuse animals, here's a helpless animal, figure out a good way to kill him." Ok God, why don't I put this little guy in a jar of salsa and leave him next to the highway, or why don't I put him in a trash bag, add some pebbles and spin it around my head, he's still alive, but that should do the trick.

Or I could just wait for him to crawl into my fucking stove, and cook some hot dogs on top of him.

DINNER PARTY AT MY HOUSE!

T- Necks

I'd like to waer turtlenecks, and be known as a turtleneck guy.

Maybe someday this will happen:

Person #1: "Look at John, he's wearing a turtleneck."

Person #2: "Yeah, he's a turtleneck guy."

Person #1: "Right!"

100%

7%

Gators & Crocs

Last night I thought of the most hilarious thing ever;

An alligator eating a crocodile

I think this image will always crack me up.

Friday Night

Here's how Friday night went:

Sushi; good idea

Show at Under St Marks; good idea

Beer; good idea

Pitcher of beer; good idea

Beer; good idea

Pitcher of beer; good idea

Beer; good idea

Shot of Whiskey; BAD IDEA

Sox

Oh yeah, WTF!
I waited all offseason for that?
And yes, they owe me a lot.

J.E.W. (Jewish Enthusiasts Worldwide)

I went to a Seder last night, it was my first one and I learned a few things:

1. Horseradish is delicious

2. The Egyptians were ridiculous

3. Iraq is contentious

4. My Cousin Vinny is hilarious

5. Hebrew songs are sensuous

Easter will never be the same.