dude - rock - death

Kaufee and Eggs

2008-04-22T12:23:00.001-07:00

You should figure out how to bookmark things RIGHT NOW!

www.kaufeeandeggs.tumblr.com

If you like the gibberish of this blog, check out my award winning "podcast"

music

2008-03-07T10:04:00.000-08:00

I went to my first awards show last night.

This guy played, it was pretty cool.

I started a crew

2008-03-06T08:50:00.000-08:00

check us out

donuts

2008-03-05T17:51:00.000-08:00

Guess how many donuts I ate yesterday.

Now guess how many donuts I had the opportunity to eat.

Noplait

2008-03-03T22:19:00.000-08:00

I have so much yogurt inside me right now, I ate a 2 pound tub because it was delicious, and I'm a dude who likes his yogurt. I like yogurt so much that in junior high I almost got beaten up for it.

I was in 7th grade, sitting outside, waiting for a late bus or maybe my mom was coming to pick me up, I forget and it's not important, the important part was the fact that I was out there alone. There was a group of 8th graders hanging out next to me making fun of yogurt, seems silly but they were. They were talking about how it's not really a food. I wasn't going to say anything, I was gonna let it ride, but the big guy, we'll call him Noplait, came over and asked if I like yogurt. I had to answer truthfully, "Yeah, it's pretty good" I said.

He laughed, probably said I was gay, and he threw my hat. I didn't fight him back or anything like that, cause I couldn't, I think I just said something like "really, yogurt?" picked up my hat and walked away.

The yogurt I ate tonight was called Friendship yogurt, isn't that nice?

In Chinatown

2008-03-01T17:30:00.000-08:00

all the plastic bags are orange, no where else.

I like this, I wish I was this guy

2008-02-21T14:33:00.000-08:00

True

2008-02-15T21:04:00.000-08:00

Jason

2008-02-15T19:50:00.000-08:00

Thanks Jason for showing me the site where you made all that extra cash. I was wondering how you were able to afford your extravagant lifestyle.

Orange Soda

2008-02-15T11:56:00.000-08:00

You know what's good, orange soda, it's delicious.

Heroes

2008-02-14T13:09:00.001-08:00

When I was in kindergarten I was asked who my heroes were. I think I was supposed to say "my mom and dad" but instead I said Indiana Jones. I don't think there's anything wrong with that.

Bellychuck

2008-02-04T06:15:00.001-08:00

Well that didn't work out.

Meigs Raid!

2008-01-30T10:36:00.000-08:00

You guys in New York should buy me a drink, my family saved this place!

Meigs Raid (also known as the Battle of Sag Harbor) was guerrilla raid by American forces on the British at Sag Harbor, New York on May 23, 1777 during the American Revolutionary War in which six British were killed and 90 captured while the Americans suffered no casualties.

The battle marked the first American victory in New York after New York City and Long Island had fallen in the Battle of Long Island.

American Lt. Col. Return Jonathan Meigs led the attack by rowing 130 men across Long Island Sound from Guilford, Connecticut. To avoid British patrol boats they ported their boats over a narrow section of North Fork, Suffolk County, New York in Southold, New York near what is now Hashamomuck Beach before entering Southold Bay to Shelter Island Sound about 6 p.m. before arriving in Sag Habor at 2 a.m. [1] where they burned 12 British boats in the harbor on the East Hampton (town), New York side and the storming the British earth works that the British had commandeered at the Old Burying Grounds on a hill on Southampton (town), New York side of Sag Habor.[2]

The land attack was conducted in silence with fixed bayonnets and only one shot was said to have been fired. A British schooner opened fire on the attackers as they burned the ships. The raiders took 53 prisoners at the earth works and another 37 at the wharf (and suffered no casualties). The prisoners were taken back to Connecticut.[3]

The raiders left Guilford, Connecticut

A stone was placed on the site on May 23, 1902, commemorating the battle.

Not back on the map

2008-01-17T13:06:00.000-08:00

Wait a minute, I just realized that my map doesn't even have Antarctica on it. I think that's bullshit. I figure scientists down there need to get on the internet and check blogs like mine. I wonder if that's what they talk about while their taking ice cores on the west Antarctic ice sheet.

Scientist 1 "You know, that Rock Death guy sounds pretty crazy"
Scientist 2 "Yeah I know, I wish he would play for us here"
Head Scientist "Hey guys, I know you want to talk about dude rock death all day, but we have ice samples to check"
Scientist 1 "I guess you're right, man I can't believe he peed on his floor"
All "YEAH!"

Or maybe something like this?

Alien 1 "blark blark bleek bloong blark dude rock death blark bleenk blink"
Predator 1 "gleek glork Rock Death gleek gleek glunk"

McMurdo Station

2008-01-17T12:59:00.000-08:00

Check the map, we now have Africa. The last continent I need is Antarctica, so I hope someone at McMurdo Station is interested in learning about my cousin or the time I peed in my room. Stella, are you ever going to fly to McMurdo?

In other news, I don't have heat in my apartment, my room is almost the same temperature as it is outside. I'm assuming this is what it's like at McMurdo Station. I'm sure they have heat but decide not to use it too much because when you have nice long underwear why not just chill out in your onesie with a butt-flap?

If anyone needs me I'll be in my sleeping bag checking my email.

New Years Resolutions

2008-01-02T11:39:00.000-08:00

My resolution for 2007 was to hold a monkey, it didn't happen.

My resolution for 2008 is to hug a bear, if anyone can help me out with this one, let me know.

Looking ahead, my resolution for 2009 will be high-fiving a tiger.

ROCKDEATH

2007-12-08T21:24:00.000-08:00

Some people may not know who this blog is named after. Well, it's named after my cousin, ROCKDEATH.

ROCKDEATH was born in East Germany in 1972 and devoted his life to "rocking das ballsens" which loosely translates to rocking your balls off.

ROCKDEATH believed that he was a "Captain of the Rock & Roll ship of dreams" and spent all his energy touring the world, "rocking das peoples" and trying to bring the wall down. He continued to tour even after the Berlin wall came down, mostly in South America. Shortly after his death in 2007 it was learned that ROCKDEATH never knew that the wall actually did come down.

ROCKDEATH was my cousin and we looked alike which lead to a lot of confusion whenever he was around.

ROCKDEATH visited a few times before his death, wreaking havoc on my apartment and my friends, both male & female. One whiff of ROCKDEATH's pungent stench would send most people into a sexual fervor.

Riddled with STDs, whenever ROCKDEATH entered a room, everyone contracted a myriad of exotic diseases simply by being in his presence.

ROCKDEATH was an amazing artist known for his marathon solo performances. He would go from playing millions of people in an open air stadium, to playing for the planet in the center of the jungle, or alone atop a remote mountain.

ROCKDEATH "died" during one of these performances with witnesses reporting that he simply vanished while executing one of the most intricate song arrangements ever devised. There have been unconfirmed reports that ROCKDEATH rose from the dead three days after his final epic performance. Evidence of this resurrection remains inconclusive.

Time Travel

2007-12-05T10:17:00.000-08:00

I'm researching time travel, shit's crazy. It makes my mind explode just thinking about it, like this:

But what really makes my mind explode is the reasoning Stephen Hawking gives as to why time travel can't exist.

Get ready, it's crazy complex, get out your chalk board, and put on your science coat:

Stephen Hawking once suggested that the absence of tourists from the future constitutes an argument against the existence of time travel—a variant of the Fermi paradox. Of course this would not prove that time travel is physically impossible, since it might be that time travel is physically possible but that it is never in fact developed; and even if it is developed, Hawking notes elsewhere that time travel might only be possible in a region of spacetime that is warped in the right way, and that if we cannot create such a region until the future, then time travelers would not be able to travel back before that date, so "This picture would explain why we haven't been over run by tourists from the future."

Are you kidding me, how simple is that, no time tourists = no time travel. Makes sense to me. Also there's this little tidbit, under the non-physics based experiments headline.

Several experiments have been carried out to try to entice future humans, who might invent time travel technology, to come back and demonstrate it to people of the present time. Events such as Perth's Destination Day or MIT's Time Traveler Convention heavily publicized permanent "advertisements" of a meeting time and place for future time travelers to meet. These experiments only stood the possibility of generating a positive result demonstrating the existence of time travel, but have failed so far--no time travelers are known to have attended either event. Although it is theoretically possible that future humans have traveled back in time, but have traveled back to the meeting time and place in a parallel universe.[28] Another factor is that not all time travel devices under current physics (such as those that operate using wormholes) permit their users to travel back to before the time machine was actually made[29], rendering such tests useless.

If anyone knows of a "Time Traveler Convention" please let me know.

But as I delve deeper into time travel, I learn that there are individuals who claimed to be from the future, and other people believed them. Some of these "time travelers" just posted something on message boards talking about the future and that was enough evidence for "current timers" to believe them.

I would like my name to be added to the list of time travelers:

"Hey guys, this is John, but my future name is Jon, it's sleek and streamlined like the future I come from. I'm from the future, year 2052 (it helps when you make the year believable), it's crazy in the future guys. Oh man, I could tell you so many crazy stories about hover cars, and hover boards, and hover food. Also, bet you guys didn't expect the dinosaurs to come back did ya? Well they didn't, but that would be a crazy future wouldn't it. Anywho, no aliens yet and no Mars colony yet, but we did send a robot to Venus again. Hmm, what else, well there were a couple new wars, a couple new Nostradamus predictions, and a few more Hawaiian Islands. Other than that, the future is pretty normal. Oh, I remember what I meant to tell you guys, be careful, the future is not as "open wide" as that gay band said it was. Ok, well give me a call if you ever make it to 2052ish. I'm gonna go fuck with my parents, I'll be all like, "you're son will be evil" It'll be funny."

Ok, so that's my post about time travel.

Chuck Norris Approved

2007-11-20T11:35:00.001-08:00

I WILL VOTE FOR MIKE HUCKABEE

I could honestly care less about what his actual policies are. He could be all about invading Iran and North Korea and China and Belgium at the same time and I would still vote for him after this ad.

He could be all about reinstating the draft and making it illegal to eat yogurt on weekdays.

He could be all about hiring polar bears to teach elementary school.

He could be all about "The Pangea Project" or moving the entire human race to the moon, resurrecting dinosaurs, and turning the Earth into one giant Jurassic park, and I would still vote for him.

Does anyone know if he is Democrat, Republican, or Pangean?

Churchill

2007-11-16T17:58:00.000-08:00

It looks like someone from Churchill Manitoba has been reading my blog. You might know Churchill as the Polar Bear Capitol of the world. I think I heard that polar bears outnumber people there, so I'm just gonna have to draw the conclusion that my blog appeals to polar bears. So in an attempt to attract more polar bear readers I present to you the following. (If you're human, please stop reading now, you probably won't understand.)

DELICIOUS

FIGHT!

Fuck YEAH

FAG

DICK

Kill em' all

Fuck You

YOUKKKKKKKKKKKKK

DELICIOUS

YESSSSSSSSSSS

GROWLLLLLL

Mother Nature

2007-11-15T13:20:00.000-08:00

Dudes, square apples.

YES!

S R I

2007-11-13T07:52:00.000-08:00

I'm afraid that I sustained a S R I the other night. I woke up with a pain on my side that must have been the result of the tri-pillow formation that I was experimenting with that night. I'll keep you updated on my rehab progress.

S R I = Sleep Related Injury

NGC

2007-11-11T13:09:00.000-08:00

Oh National Geographic Channel, you are so cruel. I'm trying to get things done today but you just keep me hanging on hour after hour. I started out watching your show on dwarfs, that was ok, I needed something to watch and you provided that for me. This was only supposed to last for an hour, but you just couldn't stop at the science behind primordial dwarfism and then say goodbye, you had to entice me further with the ancient Americans. You know how much I like that stuff, how am I not supposed to watch it.

Ok ok, I'll give you two hours but that's IT! What's that, Mars rover? FUCK YOU NGC, I swear after this show, I'm out!

DAMMIT, the origins of the universe, the universe was really that small, FUUUUUUUUUCK YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOU.

Fine, that's it, I swear to christ, that's it, there is nothing you can show me to keep me watch...., huh, secrets of the freemasons? Gotcha, I already saw this one, what, that was a different network? Fine, I'll watch your secrets of the freemasons, but that's my decision, you didn't guilt me into anything.

Haha, now it's all over, gonna turn you off right now. No, please don't not Hitler & the Occult.

You are good NGC, you are good.

On belay

2007-11-10T10:38:00.000-08:00

Do you guys know that I work at a gym? Yeah, I work at Crunch, the no judgements gym. I'm a climbing instructor, rock climbing that is, although climbing is so intuitive that you don't really need someone telling you where to put your foot, just climb the thing lady. Anywho, most of the time there are no climbers and I spend my nights hanging out at the gym between the aerobics/hip-hop dance/stripper studio and the free weights area staring at the wall. Sometimes I work out, sometimes I read (we have two copies of Climbing magazine, the guide to bodybuilding by Arnold Schwarzenegger, and an old copy of the onion), and sometimes (most times) I take short naps on the yoga mats in the climbing closet.

When there are climbers, I'm very helpful though.

I'll teach you to do this.

BTW (btw I just figured out what btw means) this guy is dead.

Sorry Dad

2007-09-25T10:33:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking, maybe it's not a good idea to have a picture of my dad on here. From now on I'm just gonna use this nice pic. It's a Tuna getting his face cut off with a rusty saw.

Father knows best

2007-09-24T10:45:00.000-07:00

I was talking to my Dad today, he has always been supportive of my comedy and he freely admits that he has no idea what I do, or how I do it. He did however give me some good advice.

The conversation basically went like this;
Dad "John, make sure you don't do anything raunchy, the people don't like that"
Me "Huh, yeah, well I don't really do anything too raunchy Dad"

(I did a show called "Shut The Fuck UP" where I told stories about how I shit my pants in my car. I invited one of his good friends and his family from the mid-west to see this show. I didn't ask for feedback.)

Dad "Yeah, I mean raunchy stuff isn't that funny, I don't think people like it"
Me "Well I think I have a good idea of what is funny, so I don't think you have to worry"

(I made a movie called "John Eats Dirt", the plot was pretty simple.)

Dad "You just don't want to get a reputation"
Me "I think I have a good reputation"

(I've been cast as a rapist or a gay guy multiple times.)

Dad "Yeah, well you do what you want, just don't make fun of your mother or me, you don't do you"
Me "Of course not Dad, I love you guys!"

(See picture at top of page)

I'm Back

2007-09-24T10:34:00.000-07:00

Holy, shit, I'm back on the attack.

I know that I've abandoned all of you, and I apologize, but I promise to update this site daily, it will be therapeutic.

Dr. Huxtable

2007-08-02T10:43:00.000-07:00

Lives at 10 Stigwood Ave. in Brooklyn

10 Stigwood Ave. does not exist

A letter to my pants

2007-07-18T13:13:00.000-07:00

Dear Jeans,

I like you jeans, I think you know that everyone likes you. I'm just saying that during the summer it's really hard to wear you. It's nothing personal, I just don't think that you, me, and the summer really get along. I know that you have seen me with shorts, and with khakis and you must be wondering when your turn will come. I guess what I'm trying to say is that maybe we should take a break, at least until September. It's just not working out right now, you're too thick, and those holes on the butt that I didn't really care about originally, well now they're kind of annoying. I hope there's no hard feelings, and I hope we can be friends during the other months. You know, the way it is with sweaters and jackets, those guys go through this every year and they're cool. I understand that you need some time, and you can have all the time you need. I'll give you a nice home next to the sweaters, hey, it can be your summer vacation.

So goodbye until Labor day, I wish you all the best.

Sincerely,

Fat Guy

yup

2007-07-11T11:17:00.001-07:00

I sweat

A lot

Birds

2007-07-05T09:56:00.001-07:00

Batman let Robin die

I let another bird die.

Remember when I saved that bird in Milford, I thought I was pretty good at saving birds. Well a couple weeks after that I realized that it was my sworn duty to save birds, I let one fall through the cracks.

He was a baby bird, couldn't even fly, all alone on the steps of the E. Broadway subway stop. I just walked by, I never did anything, I let him die.

That's when I knew that I was called to save all birds.

Except chickens, which are delicious.

Confliction

2007-07-05T09:39:00.000-07:00

I know, it's been a long time since my last post, sorry, I've been busy.

You know those moments when you are conflicted, the times you don't really know which way to turn? The other day I was riding the L train and playing Tetris on my ipod, but this time I was playing for keeps. Ever since I beat the individual levels I have been trying to beat the whole game in succession, and I was almost there, UNTIL. I swear to god the craziest old lady walked onto the train and sat directly across from me. She sauntered into my life dressed like a cross between a maniac and a clown who was drowned in a swamp of perfume and sweat. She was wearing a huge red hat, a mask of make-up, and the kind of outfit you buy from CVS on Halloween. She was talking to her friend who was sitting next to me who was kind of normal crazy, but this woman across from me was seriously awesome crazy. I've seen crazy people before, but nothing like this. On any day, the decision would be easy, stare at this woman, however today I was so close to winning Tetris, so close to finishing something I had started three months ago, something I was working on everyday on the train, something I poured all my idle time into. I just couldn't decide what to do, finish the game, or stare awkwardly at the craziest woman alive. I think I made the right decision, I looked, and holy shit it was amazing.

So now I've started from scratch, again, but it was worth it, crazy worth it.

Map, part II

2007-06-12T13:46:00.000-07:00

The line on the map just got weirder, ladies and gentlemen Australia.

Keep it safe

2007-06-06T08:12:00.000-07:00

I don't want to brag, but Mother Nature and me are like best friends, seriously we hang out all the time. We are so close that she considers me a protector of all creatures, large and small.

Case in point, I save birds.

Yeah, he was drowning in a little bucket, I guess he fell in, or maybe MN put him there to test me, she's like that.

Well, test or no, I dove in and saved the little guy, and we bonded a little. I got to hold him in my hand and just before I thought to put him on my shoulder and pretend I was a pirate and he was a parrot he flew away.

Good luck little guy. I hope he was one of those African birds that when you save their life they will protect your for your entire life. So look out, I might have a kickass bird keeping me safe forever.

Maps

2007-06-01T10:13:00.000-07:00

Guys, this map thing that tracks where in the world people are reading my blog is freaking me out. Check out the curved line that extends from Singapore to India to Turkey and then to France it's fucking crazy. First off why are people reading my blog in these places, and why do they all live in line with each other? I just don't understand.

My life right now

2007-05-31T10:05:00.000-07:00

What, what did you say? I can't eat ice cream for dinner? Well I am, and I do!

Huh, eating chicken wings for lunch on a hot summer day is a bad idea, oh yeah, watch this, mmmmm SWEATY.

Oh yeah, you say I should fold my clothes after I do laundry, or at least put my sheet and pillowcases back on the bed, well you know what, no! You know what, I feel like sleeping on the mattress pad, and the pillows feel fine, not at all sticky or smelly as you would imagine.

I'm sorry, I should brush my teeth at night, LAME.

My powers

2007-05-29T14:10:00.000-07:00

I have supernatural powers.

I was sitting on my bed fixing my bike on Sunday. Out of the corner of my right eye I saw a black spot, about the size of a quarter, fly from my window to my pocket. The instant it hit my pocket my phone buzzed and I received a text message from Scott. I looked around and I could not find the black spot that I saw, so I have come to the conclusion that I saw the physical manifestation of Scott's text message.

That's right, I can see text messages as they fly through the air. I can't read the messages, I can only see them as black quarter size spots. With this amazing power comes huge responsibility and I accept that responsibility. I promise to use my power for good, here are some situations where my new-found power will come in handy.

1. Your cell phone is dead, I can tell you that you are still receiving text messages. I can't tell you what the massages say, but you'll know you're getting them.

2. You're in an important meeting and your phone is on silent, I can tell you how many text messages you received. I can't clue you in on the urgency of each message, but at least you'll know that your cell phone is still working.

3. You're watching that Shrek movie, but you're waiting for that important text message from your girlfriend saying that she's pregnant, I can tell you that you received a text message. I won't know who it's from or what is says, but you'll know it's there. Also the lights in the theater should probably be on in order for me to see the spot.

4. You suspect that your daughter is lying to you about her text messaging. You say that she's "abusing a privilege," she says that she "doesn't even text," and that your "rules are gay," that Cindy's father is "soooo much cooler," and that she's "sixteen, I can do what I want, ahhh I can't wait to go to College, I HATE YOU." I can tell you if she receives text messages. I won't know from who, and I won't know the content of each message but who cares, you were right all along.

India

2007-05-24T08:26:00.000-07:00

Also, check out the map on the lower right side of the page, someone in India has read my blog! Vivek, is that you?

Plug plug plug

2007-05-24T08:14:00.000-07:00

Sorry guys, I've been in that hole watching Cosmos, figured I'd come out and talk to you.

Ok so, my improv group Orphan Tycoon is doing a weekly show at Rififi's every Wednesdays from 7 to 8. If you're not Lisa, Katie, Joe, or the other people in Orphan Tycoon who read this blog you should come out. It's two groups each week and only $5, What, that's an awesome deal. E. 11th btw. 2nd & 1st

Please come.

(Katie and Joe, you are always welcome but you live far away. Lisa, you were banned because of the bar-fight you started last week, no offense.)

one more thing

2007-05-12T09:33:00.000-07:00

I just want to sit in a hole and watch COSMOS, I don't even need to watch it, thinking about it is fine. I want to sit in a hole, and think about COSMOS, forever.

My mind is blown

2007-05-12T09:03:00.000-07:00

Is this what it's like to finally find religion?

I've been watching COSMOS, the 7 disc documentary that Carl Sagan made in the late 70s, and holy shit this thing is motherfucking amazing. I'm only on episode 2 and my mind is seriously blown away, here are some highlights:

The entire history of human civilization has only taken place in the last 10 seconds of the last day of the cosmic year, the earth wasn't created until September 14th of the cosmic year, WHAT THE FUCK!

Schientists took hydrogen and some other gases (I can't pay attention that well, cause my ears are bleeding from the crazy truths I've been learning) that were present at the earth's begining. Well they pumped these gases into a big enclosed glass bubble, added some electicity, and they CREATED MOTHERFUCKING MOLECULES! The glass bubble became black with new "stuff" and Carl said "it's teeming with life." Why didn't I know this before?

Evolution is a GOD DAMN FACT, not a theory, Carl lays it all out on the line, and it's amazing.

We are all just mistakes and mutations, WHAT THE BALLS!

Holy shit, I can't wait to watch the rest of this series, I don't know how many episodes there are, and I don't care, I will watch every one, and when I'm done I honestly think I will be reduced to sludge from all the profound truths that I will be exposed to.

Dirty

2007-05-10T08:23:00.000-07:00

My DVD player judges me.

Hey Guys

2007-05-05T08:05:00.000-07:00

Hey guys, let's talk.

Great.

Good Talk.

Out With a Bang

2007-05-03T10:57:00.000-07:00

1:41 p.m., Me: What's the name of that crazy Italian band?

1:54 p.m., Lisa: Foccacia?

1:56 p.m., Lisa: oh! I read BREAD! OUT WITH A BANG!

1:57 p.m., Me: Thanks

Afartments on the Terd Floor

2007-04-30T11:26:00.000-07:00

I'm renting apartments in Manhattan, here are some craigslist ads that I have recently posted. If you wanna see pics, just go to craigslist and search my name. Oh yeah, no one has called, so that's cool.

1. Mystical 3 Bedroom in the heart of the enchanted Gramercy Forest (Gramercy)

Don't be afraid wandering through the enchanted Gramercy forest.

Why, because you live in this great 3 bedroom apartment with a living room, hardwood floors, window in the kitchen with nice appliances, AND A DISHWASHER! This apartment was previously occupied by 27 wizards. Unfortunately they all died in a horrible wizard vs. dragon battle. Dragons do not frequent this apartment, but you and your friends should. This place is Wizard.

(YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE A WIZARD TO RENT THIS AMAZING APARTMENT)

2. This apartment will inspire your heart and your art! (Gramercy)

This apartment was painted by Renoir before he died, his final brushtrokes were employed to make this 1 bedroom in the heart of Gramercy an absolute testament to impressionism. Recently Salvador Dali, Jackson Pollack, and P Diddy got together to make this apartment so much better. Each employed their characteristic artistry to the apartment's kitchen with an island that separates it from the large living room with plenty of light. The bedroom has enough closet space and light to inspire Picasso.*

This apartment will be on display at the Louvre and the MET in the Fall.**

*This apartment did not actually inspire those artists, they have never even set foot in the apartment, **and it will not be on dispaly at the Louvre or the MET, that would be ridiculous. This apartment is beautiful and a great deal, so feel free to call.

3. I Say Sir, welcome to my castle. Good show old boy! (Union Square)

This apartment is like an English Castle, I've never been to England myself, but I can imagine this is what it's like. There is a black front gate on the street to protect you from invading armies. The lobby of the building looks like an old English parlour. You could sit with your friends in the leather chairs in the lobby and reminisce about your exploits in the colonies.

The apartment itself has a huge living room when you first walk in the door. The bedroom gets plenty of light and has ample closet space. The kitchen is cozy and the bathroom has new fixtures. This apartment has plenty of living space and is in a great location between Union Square and Astor Place.

I would have to think that it looks like an English castle, if you want to take me to England with you to prove me wrong, I would welcome the opportunity. Feel free to give me a call and we can go over the arrangements.

Infest

2007-04-21T13:49:00.000-07:00

We have mice, this isn't the first time. Sometimes if you are really paying attention you can see them running from one dirty dark spot in the apartment, to another dirty dark spot. The other night I tried to stalk one, he never came out.

We have one little guy in the burner of our stove right now, he's cooked, it's nasty.

I don't mind mice as long as they run fast, and stay hidden. I hate it when I find them alive, but dazed, which has happened a couple times. Motherfuckers should scurry away, that's what they're supposed to do. Maybe it's Gods way of saying "John, you should abuse animals, here's a helpless animal, figure out a good way to kill him." Ok God, why don't I put this little guy in a jar of salsa and leave him next to the highway, or why don't I put him in a trash bag, add some pebbles and spin it around my head, he's still alive, but that should do the trick.

Or I could just wait for him to crawl into my fucking stove, and cook some hot dogs on top of him.

DINNER PARTY AT MY HOUSE!

T- Necks

2007-04-18T14:19:00.000-07:00

I'd like to waer turtlenecks, and be known as a turtleneck guy.

Maybe someday this will happen:

Person #1: "Look at John, he's wearing a turtleneck."

Person #2: "Yeah, he's a turtleneck guy."

Person #1: "Right!"

100%

2007-04-11T13:55:00.000-07:00

7%

2007-04-11T13:46:00.001-07:00

Gators & Crocs

2007-04-11T09:37:00.000-07:00

Last night I thought of the most hilarious thing ever;

An alligator eating a crocodile

I think this image will always crack me up.

Friday Night

2007-04-09T13:20:00.001-07:00

Here's how Friday night went:

Sushi; good idea

Show at Under St Marks; good idea

Beer; good idea

Pitcher of beer; good idea

Beer; good idea

Pitcher of beer; good idea

Beer; good idea

Shot of Whiskey; BAD IDEA

Sox

2007-04-03T12:56:00.000-07:00

Oh yeah, WTF!
I waited all offseason for that?
And yes, they owe me a lot.

J.E.W. (Jewish Enthusiasts Worldwide)

2007-04-03T12:47:00.000-07:00

I went to a Seder last night, it was my first one and I learned a few things:

1. Horseradish is delicious

2. The Egyptians were ridiculous

3. Iraq is contentious

4. My Cousin Vinny is hilarious

5. Hebrew songs are sensuous

Easter will never be the same.

I'm a Brazilian TV star

2007-03-27T06:54:00.000-07:00

The clown class that I'm taking was taped by Brazilian TV. If you are in Brazil, or needed a reason to go to Brazil, keep a lookout for me. I don't know the name of the show, but I know that the host was named GiGi, and she was very very shiny.

I'M A WINNER, YOU GUYS ARE LOSERS

2007-03-26T07:54:00.001-07:00

Who has two thumbs and beat Tetris on his Ipod?

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THIS GUY!

SCIENCE

2007-03-21T20:25:00.000-07:00

HYPOTHESIS: Chinese people don't know what lamps are.

CONTROL: The Chinese lady at the dollar store on my block.

EXPERIMENT:
ME; Do you guys have any lamps?
HER; What's that?

EUREKA!

Now I miss my car

2007-03-20T08:35:00.000-07:00

Now that my car is back in Hingham I want to reflect on the few weeks that I had it in New York, and how wonderful it was.

Saturday, February 10th: Took the 3:00 a.m. Amtrak to Boston to pick up the car,
drove to New Hampshire that night. Woke up at 4:00 a.m. and drove back to New York, got lost in Queens, drove over some bridge three times, found parking.

Friday, February 16th: Drove to West Virginia, all major interstates in Pennsylvania were shut down due to ice. 8 hour trip took about 13 hours.

Sunday, February 18th: Drove to Virginia through a snowstorm, they don't plow the mountain roads in West Virginia during snowstorms.

Saturday, February 24th: Discovered around 4:00 p.m. that somone smashed my drivers side window while it was parked in Brooklyn.

Tuesday, February 27th: My first taste of New York morning commute traffic.

Friday, March 2nd: Drove 6 hours to New Hampshire, black ice is hard to spot.

Saturday, March 17th: Had to get a jump because the car was dead.

I miss you.

the car

2007-03-19T18:10:00.001-07:00

The car is back home in Massachusetts, yes.

Lies, Lies, Lies

2007-03-15T13:35:00.000-07:00

EIGHTEEN LIES
(in no particular order)

1. I've written three novels about different types of fruit

2. I've been to Montana

3. I've never thought about drinking my own urine

4. I hate burritos

5. I brush my teeth every night

6. I used to be a famous explorer named Vasco De Gama

7. My beard is fake

8. I owe money to the mob

9. I bet on baseball

10. I throw a baseball like a man

11. I love my job, and think it's a great step in the right direction

12. I beat Super Mario Bros

13. I auditioned for American Idol

14. This blog is great

15. The movie SLAM was about me

16. I'm going on fat free tomorrow

17. I harpooned a whale, and he pulled me for seventeen nautical miles

18. I always wear white after labor day

Waterville Valley

2007-03-13T19:57:00.000-07:00

So this weekend I drove up to Waterville Valley New Hampshire.

While I was there I encountered this guy.

He calls himself Frozen Lightning, and is some kind of superhero.

Apparently, Frozen Lightning is locked in an epic struggle against his nemesis Red Eyes.

Their mutual friend, Jewtons Law was there too.

Frozen Lightning is always vying for Jewton Law's affection.

All three share the same white helmet, which distinguishes them from you and me.

Red Eyes and Frozen Lightning don't get along, and routinely fight whenever they encounter each other.

Usually the fights involve a complicated series of events, notably the spatchula dance off.

Frozen Lightining is renowned for his spatula dances.

MAGICAL!

Red Eye's event of choice is the head spin competition.

I was so enraptured by the action, I was taking hits from the telescope.

The final event is always the aerial competition.

Where both superheroes test their mettle flying through the air.

With and without their power-helmets.

As you can see these battles are nothing short of epic, leaving both heroes physically and mentally devastated.

After that Richard Kern came over with a camera and a big bag of heroin.

We went to town!

FIN

Conversations with Will, Part III

2007-03-09T07:17:00.000-08:00

7/19/06

me: hide the rest of my yams...
Will: close up shop
do my count
leave the rest of the yams
at my auntie house
and then what?
me: I thought he hid his yams
Will: good call
I think he does
me: awesome

Conversations with Will, Part II

2007-03-06T08:29:00.000-08:00

6/2/06

me: any Jelly news?
Will: no how was amsterdam?
me: rainy
lots of canals
cheap Heineken
0 cool dogs
Will: lame did you go to weed bars
me: walked by them, they're everywhere
Will: did you pound absinth
me: you know it, I'm freaking out right now
you at a job?
Will: no i skipped out of work early
me: where do you work
Will: charlestown, i work with a research group. i hook lasers up to peoples heads and then inflict pain on them to see what parts of the brain get activated
me: awesome

Balls?

2007-03-05T07:23:00.000-08:00

Abbie: He's a physician and you have these in your mouth.

Eric: Balls?

(The answer is Dr. Teeth)

Conversations with Will, Part I

2007-03-02T12:46:00.000-08:00

7/7/06

(Conversation about Zooperstars, www.zooperstars.com)

me: Mackeral Jordan
Will: henry the puffy taco
donovan mccrab
peyton manatee
nomar garciaparrot
ichiroach suzuki
derek cheetah
christina agorilla
me: Roger Clamens
Clammy Sosa
Paul Krilliotis
Will: tracy mcgraydeer
mike bison
me: I'm done
Will: krill?
me: whale's eat it
Will: via baleen
me: Paul Spiliotis is a star
Will: he never answered if cool dog has a name or not
me: you're right, I guess we can assume NO
Will: assume nothing
me: maybe his name is Cool Dog
but that would be an assumption
Will: word
cool moe dee has the first name cool
so its not unheard of
me: true
cool - io
Will: joe cool
last name though
snoop dogg and nate dog are named dog
me: maybe he's an amalgamation of cool moe dee and snoop dogg?
Will: that would make sense
me: print it and mail it to Paul
Will: he probably wont answer
me: never does, but I think he needs to know that we care
Will: wow paul is pretty sensitive
me: geniuses always are.

Fish & Lamb

2007-03-02T08:11:00.000-08:00

I just realized that I've been eating fish and lamb a lot lately.

And fucking Buffalo Wings. (eating, not fucking)

Also I'm proud of Lisa for keeping the "I kill everything I fuck" lyric alive at the UCB.

I Hope

2007-03-01T13:47:00.000-08:00

I hope that this conversation has happened, or will happen;

My Dad's friend: What's your son doing these days?

My Dad: He's some douche bag's assistant.

FINGERS CROSSED!

Yup, I peed on my floor

2007-02-23T13:14:00.000-08:00

Here's a story that will probably disgust you;

Two weekends ago when I drove back from NH, I parked my car and ran into my apartment because I had to pee really bad. Andy was in the bathroom, I think he was taking a shower, and I absolutely could not wait. I went to my room and grabbed a large empty vitamin water bottle, now for those of you new to this, I am a huge fan of the pee bottle, and have a lot of pee bottle stories.

I peed in the bottle, but more than a little bit made it to the floor, this has never happened. Unfazed, I cleaned it up, and sprayed my floor with some kind of cleaning liquid, then moved on.

So yeah, I peed on my floor.

Ps. I put the bottle on the street, I hope homeless people prefer gatorade.

Bikes

2007-02-23T13:08:00.000-08:00

I've been slacking on riding my bike lately, it's gotten to the point where riding the train is a welcome respite from riding my bike. It started out because of the snow and slush, and the fact that I didn't want to ride through it. Now I just want to sit on the train and play Tetris on my Ipod. I'm telling myself that this is just a weeks vacation from the bike so I can relax a little. Next week I'll be back on the attack.

Maybe if I overcome cancer I'll be more motivated to ride again, worked for Lance Armstrong.

I don't know how to "get" cancer.

Long Road Trips

2007-02-21T11:33:00.000-08:00

"Going on long road trips can really be a hell-ride, going on long road trips can be a demon hell-ride" Wesley Willis

Drove to West Virginia last weekend, it was a demon hell ride.

Left New York on Friday around 11:30 a.m.

Discovered that most of the major highways in Pennsylvania were closed due to ice.

Drove the icy back roads of Pennsylvania.

Made it to the Pennsylvania Turnpike, hit the tail end of a gas tanker explosion.

Made it to the Maryland/West Virginia mountains around 10:00 p.m.

Drove through the town of Accident

Made it through the winding snow covered mountain roads of Maryland and West Virginia.

Arrived at Timberline ski resort around 11:30 p.m.

Skiing was fun, big houses are fun, Bubba was fun.

Woke up Sunday morning, and drove to D.C. through a snowstorm, on those same wonderfully unpaved West Virginia/Maryland mountain roads. Seriously, they were treacherous, and they get a lot of snow down there.

Drove back to NYC on Monday.

I like to complain, but is was all worth it.

Couple things

2007-02-16T04:38:00.000-08:00

Last weekend was crazy

Penn Station at 3:00 a.m. is the homeless World Series

Having a car in Brooklyn, isn't that hard

I woke up at 6:00 a.m. to move my car

The Wii is amazing

Everyone in my apartment is sick, and passing a sweaty controller

The Sarah Silverman show last night was wall to wall AIDS jokes

AIDS jokes

I'm going to West Virginia today

West Virginia

KR Ewing

2007-02-14T12:18:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I call Kyle KR Ewing.

Thanks Kyle

2007-02-14T11:52:00.000-08:00

Just got back from the Jolly Madison, glad Kyle was keeping everyone informed and safe.

This is Kyle

2007-02-14T11:34:00.000-08:00

This is Kyle, John went to the Jolly Madison because he's a swell character. I sit across from John, we eat chicken wings together.

People

2007-02-14T11:33:00.000-08:00

Do people read this shit?

SHEEPSHA

2007-02-11T12:16:00.001-08:00

Dodged the Bullet

2007-02-08T17:31:00.000-08:00

Long ago I thought a string of power chords would be a good substitute for an extension chord, I found out last night that this wasn't true. Apparently the death smell in my room, that I smelled three weeks ago, and has kept me from using my space heater was my melted power chord all along, YES! So terrific, I almost burned my apartment down, didn't realize it, and kept using the power chord for THREE WEEKS.

I also melted the side of our fridge during the SuperBowl / PuppyBowl.

I FOUND THE SMELL

2007-02-08T11:17:00.000-08:00

Details to follow, it's more dangerous than you think!

Space Heater

2007-02-06T10:27:00.000-08:00

Last night as I was close to shivering in my room, I decided I would give my space heater a second chance. I did my best to clean it last week, thinking the fire/death smell was coming from "hot dust". It still smells like death, but now I think it's more of a electrical fire/death smell as opposed to a hot dust/death smell.

Long story short, I unplugged everything in my room, and slept in my sleeping bag.

Which brings me to my sleeping bag story. I woke up in the middle of the night outside of the sleeping bag, I must have subconciously crawled out, which I remember happening a lot in the woods. That means I could probably get out of any dangerous situation, as long as I was asleep and in that dangerous situation.

Makes sense to me.

Frostnip

2007-02-06T10:22:00.000-08:00

Beards aren't a lot of fun in the winter and I'm just discovering this now. People think that beards keeps your face warm, which they probably do, but they also get covered in tiny icicles that bond all the hairs together. It's kinda like covering your face with really sticky tape, then ripping it off over and over again. I'm not complaining, I just want people to know.

I HATE

2007-02-05T07:57:00.000-08:00

The person who stole my bike seat.

New Holes

2007-01-29T12:48:00.000-08:00

Good news, for everyone who read "Long Underwear" and its sequel "New Jeans", I have successfully finished the trilogy. I have two small symmetrical holes on the butt of my new jeans, care of my new bike seat. Stay tuned for Episode IV.

Lesbians & Vegans

2007-01-29T12:46:00.000-08:00

I think lesbians are similar to vegans, and no, not beacuse of that.

Fudge

2007-01-29T12:43:00.000-08:00

I ate a chocolate fudge sandwich for breakfast Sunday morning. It's fun being 26 years old.

Death

2007-01-26T14:26:00.000-08:00

My spaceheater makes my room smell like death, fire death, it's bad. Now I'm afraid to use my spaceheater, and it's very very cold.

New Jeans

2007-01-25T08:43:00.000-08:00

I bought new jeans. Now I don't have something in common with women. A hole in my crotch.

Long Underwear

2007-01-24T13:28:00.000-08:00

I have a huge hole in my jeans, the only jeans that I wear. The hole gets bigger every day, so I have to wear long underwear all the time, which is kinda fun during class and rehearsal. My legs are always warm, usually sweaty, and sometimes itchy. I'm buying a new pair of jeans, I'm keeping the hole though.

I Almost Killed A Mexican

2007-01-24T13:05:00.000-08:00

I was riding down 7th ave. during rush hour, 5:45, which I usually do on Tuesdays. I hate riding down 7th at this time because it's always packed with pedestrians from 35th down to 32nd.

Cars I can deal with, I know where they are, I can hear them, and most of the time they know where I am. Pedestrians are a totally different animal, an animal that I don't want to be around. Pedestrians during rush hour are an even scarier animal, or just annoying. Kinda like an untrained dog that you have to constantly tell to sit, sit, sit, sit, SIT, SIT, SIT!, NO, NO, NO, Dammit, he peed.

Anywho, I was riding down 7th, with traffic, and I had the green light. I wasn't moving too fast, but I was moving. I saw the pedestrians slowly inch into the road, waiting for the light to turn red, and the walk man to light up. I saw them, they didn't see me, and as soon as the last car went through the crosswalk, everyone decided to start walking, across the street, in my path. Usually when this happens, I can stop, turn around, anything to avoid a collision, but I was too close, and honestly thought they wouldn't walk with me moving right at them, bad assumption.

"ARE YOU FUCKING RETARDED" - CRASH

I'm not sure what exactly happened, but I definately hit a guy, rolled off my bike onto the middle of 7th ave. and noticed that I had also managed to throw another guy on the ground, who let out a loud "AHHHHHHH" and grabbed his leg. I got up and apologized to the guy and shook his hand, because I genuinely felt bad. I know he walked into me, but still, I try to be a nice guy.

He barely spoke any English, and only seemed interested in limping away, I felt even worse. I amlost killed a Mexican.

I got up, tried to to scowl at the stream of people walking behind me, and rode off.

I prefer hitting cars.

Cingular

2007-01-17T18:48:00.000-08:00

I wanted a new phone, and I got a free upgrade. I looked online to find the nearest Cingular store. I wrote down on a post-it note three stores around 34th and 23rd st. I carried this post-it note to the Cingular store on 34th & 7th, and got a new phone. I left the store, and got a burrito. Outside the burrito store a woman walked up to me and asked me if I knew where the closest Cingular store was. I said "Holy shit, YES, here's a post-it note with THREE Cingular stores in this area."

Fin

Yes

2007-01-15T10:42:00.000-08:00

ishouldstopdrinking

That's it

Trash Bar

2007-01-13T00:02:00.000-08:00

Just got back from Trash Bar Karaoke, there are a lot of people going to this thing now. I don't want to date myself, but I can remember when there were only about 7 people in the audience, and they were Asian, and they humped my leg. I might have exagerated a little bit, but it's strange to see so many people. Last week when I went I was ready and willing to rock all these fools, tonight I just felt like curling up into a warm ball and falling asleep. I apologize to the rock gods, those kids wouldn't know what hit them anywho.

Discovered again

2006-12-08T19:58:00.000-08:00

Ok, so I have finally, after weeks, no months, of consideration and hesistation, I have decided to use this thing for all it's worth. I don't know where it will lead, but hopefully it will bring me closer to my dream of living on an island and owning a lot of guns. I guess it's the small things that count.

I'm proud of my legs

finders keepers

2006-09-07T22:09:00.000-07:00

I was worried that I lost this blog, you see when I created it I was drunk. I found it. It can change lives.

KEYBOS

2006-09-02T23:28:00.000-07:00

dude, rock, I'm gonna write this so i can get closer to the buttons on my keyborad, they like it when I touch them