Tuesday, March 27, 2007

I'm a Brazilian TV star

The clown class that I'm taking was taped by Brazilian TV. If you are in Brazil, or needed a reason to go to Brazil, keep a lookout for me. I don't know the name of the show, but I know that the host was named GiGi, and she was very very shiny.

Monday, March 26, 2007


Who has two thumbs and beat Tetris on his Ipod?


Wednesday, March 21, 2007


HYPOTHESIS: Chinese people don't know what lamps are.

CONTROL: The Chinese lady at the dollar store on my block.

ME; Do you guys have any lamps?
HER; What's that?


Tuesday, March 20, 2007

Now I miss my car

Now that my car is back in Hingham I want to reflect on the few weeks that I had it in New York, and how wonderful it was.

Saturday, February 10th: Took the 3:00 a.m. Amtrak to Boston to pick up the car,
drove to New Hampshire that night. Woke up at 4:00 a.m. and drove back to New York, got lost in Queens, drove over some bridge three times, found parking.

Friday, February 16th: Drove to West Virginia, all major interstates in Pennsylvania were shut down due to ice. 8 hour trip took about 13 hours.

Sunday, February 18th: Drove to Virginia through a snowstorm, they don't plow the mountain roads in West Virginia during snowstorms.

Saturday, February 24th: Discovered around 4:00 p.m. that somone smashed my drivers side window while it was parked in Brooklyn.

Tuesday, February 27th: My first taste of New York morning commute traffic.

Friday, March 2nd: Drove 6 hours to New Hampshire, black ice is hard to spot.

Saturday, March 17th: Had to get a jump because the car was dead.

I miss you.

Monday, March 19, 2007

the car

The car is back home in Massachusetts, yes.

Thursday, March 15, 2007

Lies, Lies, Lies

(in no particular order)

1. I've written three novels about different types of fruit

2. I've been to Montana

3. I've never thought about drinking my own urine

4. I hate burritos

5. I brush my teeth every night

6. I used to be a famous explorer named Vasco De Gama

7. My beard is fake

8. I owe money to the mob

9. I bet on baseball

10. I throw a baseball like a man

11. I love my job, and think it's a great step in the right direction

12. I beat Super Mario Bros

13. I auditioned for American Idol

14. This blog is great

15. The movie SLAM was about me

16. I'm going on fat free tomorrow

17. I harpooned a whale, and he pulled me for seventeen nautical miles

18. I always wear white after labor day

Tuesday, March 13, 2007

Waterville Valley

So this weekend I drove up to Waterville Valley New Hampshire.

While I was there I encountered this guy.

He calls himself Frozen Lightning, and is some kind of superhero.

Apparently, Frozen Lightning is locked in an epic struggle against his nemesis Red Eyes.

Their mutual friend, Jewtons Law was there too.

Frozen Lightning is always vying for Jewton Law's affection.

All three share the same white helmet, which distinguishes them from you and me.

Red Eyes and Frozen Lightning don't get along, and routinely fight whenever they encounter each other.

Usually the fights involve a complicated series of events, notably the spatchula dance off.

Frozen Lightining is renowned for his spatula dances.


Red Eye's event of choice is the head spin competition.

I was so enraptured by the action, I was taking hits from the telescope.

The final event is always the aerial competition.

Where both superheroes test their mettle flying through the air.

With and without their power-helmets.

As you can see these battles are nothing short of epic, leaving both heroes physically and mentally devastated.

After that Richard Kern came over with a camera and a big bag of heroin.

We went to town!


Friday, March 09, 2007

Conversations with Will, Part III


me: hide the rest of my yams...
Will: close up shop
do my count
leave the rest of the yams
at my auntie house
and then what?
me: I thought he hid his yams
Will: good call
I think he does
me: awesome

Tuesday, March 06, 2007

Conversations with Will, Part II


me: any Jelly news?
Will: no how was amsterdam?
me: rainy
lots of canals
cheap Heineken
0 cool dogs
Will: lame did you go to weed bars
me: walked by them, they're everywhere
Will: did you pound absinth
me: you know it, I'm freaking out right now
you at a job?
Will: no i skipped out of work early
me: where do you work
Will: charlestown, i work with a research group. i hook lasers up to peoples heads and then inflict pain on them to see what parts of the brain get activated
me: awesome

Monday, March 05, 2007


Abbie: He's a physician and you have these in your mouth.

Eric: Balls?

(The answer is Dr. Teeth)

Friday, March 02, 2007

Conversations with Will, Part I


(Conversation about Zooperstars, www.zooperstars.com)

me: Mackeral Jordan
Will: henry the puffy taco
donovan mccrab
peyton manatee
nomar garciaparrot
ichiroach suzuki
derek cheetah
christina agorilla
me: Roger Clamens
Clammy Sosa
Paul Krilliotis
Will: tracy mcgraydeer
mike bison
me: I'm done
Will: krill?
me: whale's eat it
Will: via baleen
me: Paul Spiliotis is a star
Will: he never answered if cool dog has a name or not
me: you're right, I guess we can assume NO
Will: assume nothing
me: maybe his name is Cool Dog
but that would be an assumption
Will: word
cool moe dee has the first name cool
so its not unheard of
me: true
cool - io
Will: joe cool
last name though
snoop dogg and nate dog are named dog
me: maybe he's an amalgamation of cool moe dee and snoop dogg?
Will: that would make sense
me: print it and mail it to Paul
Will: he probably wont answer
me: never does, but I think he needs to know that we care
Will: wow paul is pretty sensitive
me: geniuses always are.

Fish & Lamb

I just realized that I've been eating fish and lamb a lot lately.

And fucking Buffalo Wings. (eating, not fucking)

Also I'm proud of Lisa for keeping the "I kill everything I fuck" lyric alive at the UCB.

Thursday, March 01, 2007

I Hope

I hope that this conversation has happened, or will happen;

My Dad's friend: What's your son doing these days?

My Dad: He's some douche bag's assistant.